when someone you love is far from your sight, what would you do?

this is my grandpa.
I love my grandpa.

when i was lil gal, whenever my gramps come visit to my house, he would bring his youngest daughter and I to have a walk around my town, by feet.
it is more enjoyable to walk on feet on that time, he said.
we also seldom get lost in my own town, but it's fun to lost in my own place. ( well, it's me the tour guide, the 5 year old me, what do u expect?)

how many years it take, to be able to notice that my grandpa is changing.
since i studied in boarding school for more than 4 years, i rarely went to village to meet my gramps.
lets see, in a year, mybe 4-5 times? then, until last year i was informed, that my grandpa actually suffered from Alzheimer.

although it's still on early stage, but for me, it's like the end for me.
he suffer from loss of memory ( he says my house is somewhat different from the last time he came to our house, but the truth is, my house had done nothing to it's structure, at the very least, what's changing is the wall's colour) ,unable to control his muscle on his own accord, have poor insights ( he did suffer from cataracts, but, his insights indeed poor, like, unable to distinguish distance) ,personality changes ( he is way too quiet than he used to be, but he did talk if he need to).

but, lucky me, he still remember me ( maybe, my style of clothes, the way i talk and my hairstyle still the same, so he recognise me).
and he also seems to know that i will be away for 6 years. but on recent occasion ( my aunt's wed),he takes time to recognise that the beau(?) in front of him is me, his grandaughter. 
what will happen in next 6 years???
i dont know.
but, what did i know, the last stage for alzheimer patient is, bedridden, uncomprehending and mute.
i would say i'm quite afraid though, thinking the way it's coming.

the last 2 days, my gramps visit us. today, my aunt will take them home as my aunt just return from their honeymoon in tioman island. ( hey, my place is quite near with tioman island, mind to come over?)
and now my grandpa is sleeping peacefully in the bedroom like he usually do. and my mum and my mum's mum ( basically it's my grandma) are busy at the kitchen preparing lunch, while busy gossiping.
And I, busy stumbling and posting for the blog, while at the same time busy babysitting for my 8 yr old sis who is having fever ( yeah, like hell i would like to babysitting for her! )

one thing i realised, when i know my gramps having this disease, is i could no longer able to meet his eye anymore. why?
it must hurt him knowing how my attitude towards him.
it hurts me too.

win or lose does not matter, but the excitement it gives that matter. That's what football is.

yeah, that's would i say whenever i watch soccer match. yesterday was the game between selangor and kedah, and as i expected kedah wins! yeay! ( ok, i am not a traitor, i still go for Johor FC -not johor pasir gudang tough, it's sucks)

well, it does not matter, as i really favour kedah FC esp it's coach, azraai khor abdullah, who always wear his purple shirt. maintaining his cool images in the field despite the heat in the field. He also wear specs. ( well, i'm kind of fetish for those who wear specs. kyaa~. those who where specs, beware of me...hehe)

I would prefer the game in the first half, rather than 2nd half as it was really full of surprise, the 1st goal were scored by selangor with nice movement, but kedah wont give up, they fight them back ( eventough it's seem Kedah's goalkeeper kind of wavering). And then Kedah made their first goal and less than 3 mintues, they scored again! yeay! 

Minutes afterward, both team keep struggling, and attacking each other opponent. i also see how nice Kedah play, their cooperation between team members should be praised, tak mengelabah sangat macam selangor. berterabur. but still, i would recall last night game as fast game.  finally, kedah wins the Malaysia League 3-2 to selangor...

( this pic with courtesy from Berita Harian online. http://www.bharian.com.my/Current_News/BH/Sunday/Sukan/20080824001852/Article)

As long as i remembered, in my life, i could recall only several game in Malaysia League that have this kind of game, the fast-exciting game. I glad i watch this match.  i love the feeling of excitement, when the ball keep on passing, through the opponent, and how crazy they run for one ball, and how weather and surroundings affects the game. not only that but i also like to observe the players's emotion and attitude. it really interesting.

and yeah, i watch this game together with my family. ( basically, saturday nite is my dad's prime time to watch the soccer.)
i wonder, with the remaining one month before i fly to czech, how many times that i'll be able to spend my time with my family like this?
maybe it would be the last game we enjoyed together...

watching this game made me feel that i  also want to run on the wide field like crazy kicking the ball around, passing them to the team member, scoring points. but, here, it's kind of limited to me, a girl. at my sub-urban place there is no soccer club for girls, so i could only watch the boys playing soccer every evening with my dad. but, still i got some friends who would like to play soccer 5 on 5, but it's rare ( in a year, how many times that i play with them? hurm...could not remember...T.T) my friends now are all scattered away. 

then in college. altough it's only once, i able to play futsal.
well, quite fun. the opponent are tough. but while playing there are boys watching, so it's quite uncomfortable to move around, but it's only for awhile la. after i got the ball on my feet, i forgot everything, haha...i also punch (accidentally) the opponent...well, she rush to me like some mad bull in rodeo ( is it harsh word? sorry, did not meant so) i accidentally held out my fist and WHACK to her abdomen. from the sound i make, i could guess it's quite painful...i'm awfully sorry for her but yeah, deep down in my heart  i scream, ( cool! i did punch her!!! )..haha...

well, i just hope, i have this desire to play soccer wherever i go. i wish i could find soccer club for girls when i pursue my studies, aside from karate club...i just cant stay still...

countdown fly to rep czech: exactly 1 month. 

a song that recalls memories

i really like this song, whenever i listen to it, whether i want to or not, i suddenly recalls those people who had done lots of things to me. be it my beloved parents, teachers, friends, and family. now that i'll be quite far away from home, so it somehow feel nostalgic. Bah! hehe... i dont know what i'm talking about...

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Questions that have no definite answer.

Today is the graduation day~! yeay!!!
i'll upload pic on the flickr later on, but as for today...

i were asked by a so-called friend, ( as we are not close enough, heck!)

"why people love to leave something that complicated and leave people in vain?"

and i said...
          ''what?''

who the heck he refering 'people'?
Out of nowhere he blurt it out, I was clueless.
Then he left me, with his sharp,sinister looking on his face.
That, enough to ruin my day, in addition some of my stuff I left on table are nowhere to found.
Luckily, i have my friends around me, although just a bit, help me forget of what he said earlier to me.
But, at home, those question keep ringing in my head, till it make my head hurts like hell.
I can't just ignore what he said, as he say it with 'that' face.

As i keep on recalling the question he asked, i wondering, isn't it should be ME that suppose to ask him the questions. What in the world he thinks of himself?
For those who knows me, u might know who the hell i'm talking bout right?
Well, it just that, i want to fret my frustation on the net, it's annoying though.
haha!!!
I want to go sleep~...tired...

5 reasons why I neglect the internet that I love so much for more than 5 days.

1. I indulge myself into creative media publishing. I start to design + create + manipulate picture on my own, using appropriate tools that i found [not accidentally tough] from the net. Those pic that i make, i intend to upload them at flickr, but i dont feel to do so...currently i'm using GIMP, it's not that i hate to use photoshop but, i found that gimp can do many more stuff than photoshop, and yet, it also can integrate with some of photoshop's functions. cool huh? and one and foremost, GIMP is free!

2. I have to manage my own life, with my own hand, and of course the things that i've done is troublesome to my parents [ i think so].  

• I dont have any licence to drive a car nor ride a motorcylce freely on the road, so my dearest dad have to drive for me to travel to wherever heck i want to. 
• I dont have money, so my dearest parent have to support me. 
• I hate to be around people, hate to do groceries, so again...whenever i need stuff ( there's not much of it actually, just stuff like biscuits, candies...), i will attach my own list to their list, whenever they do the shopping! ( whenever i think about it, i realise i'm really a troublesome daughter...too bad~)

3. I'm on holiday! yeay~ [special holiday of course! The truth is - i went back to my grandparents' home...bah~!]

4. I, mysteriously found myself in kitchen, surrounding by flour, cooking chocolate, butter, and somewhere around, there are onion, lettuce, mayonaise, and any other green stuff, and i dumbfounded that, i dont know what i'm doing there. [geez, i'm suck at these stuff]

5. Running away from someone who is annoying to be  with. but ironically i miss her/him. It just that i don't feel like talking.