when someone you love is far from your sight, what would you do?

this is my grandpa.
I love my grandpa.

when i was lil gal, whenever my gramps come visit to my house, he would bring his youngest daughter and I to have a walk around my town, by feet.
it is more enjoyable to walk on feet on that time, he said.
we also seldom get lost in my own town, but it's fun to lost in my own place. ( well, it's me the tour guide, the 5 year old me, what do u expect?)

how many years it take, to be able to notice that my grandpa is changing.
since i studied in boarding school for more than 4 years, i rarely went to village to meet my gramps.
lets see, in a year, mybe 4-5 times? then, until last year i was informed, that my grandpa actually suffered from Alzheimer.

although it's still on early stage, but for me, it's like the end for me.
he suffer from loss of memory ( he says my house is somewhat different from the last time he came to our house, but the truth is, my house had done nothing to it's structure, at the very least, what's changing is the wall's colour) ,unable to control his muscle on his own accord, have poor insights ( he did suffer from cataracts, but, his insights indeed poor, like, unable to distinguish distance) ,personality changes ( he is way too quiet than he used to be, but he did talk if he need to).

but, lucky me, he still remember me ( maybe, my style of clothes, the way i talk and my hairstyle still the same, so he recognise me).
and he also seems to know that i will be away for 6 years. but on recent occasion ( my aunt's wed),he takes time to recognise that the beau(?) in front of him is me, his grandaughter. 
what will happen in next 6 years???
i dont know.
but, what did i know, the last stage for alzheimer patient is, bedridden, uncomprehending and mute.
i would say i'm quite afraid though, thinking the way it's coming.

the last 2 days, my gramps visit us. today, my aunt will take them home as my aunt just return from their honeymoon in tioman island. ( hey, my place is quite near with tioman island, mind to come over?)
and now my grandpa is sleeping peacefully in the bedroom like he usually do. and my mum and my mum's mum ( basically it's my grandma) are busy at the kitchen preparing lunch, while busy gossiping.
And I, busy stumbling and posting for the blog, while at the same time busy babysitting for my 8 yr old sis who is having fever ( yeah, like hell i would like to babysitting for her! )

one thing i realised, when i know my gramps having this disease, is i could no longer able to meet his eye anymore. why?
it must hurt him knowing how my attitude towards him.
it hurts me too.

5 reasons why I neglect the internet that I love so much for more than 5 days.

1. I indulge myself into creative media publishing. I start to design + create + manipulate picture on my own, using appropriate tools that i found [not accidentally tough] from the net. Those pic that i make, i intend to upload them at flickr, but i dont feel to do so...currently i'm using GIMP, it's not that i hate to use photoshop but, i found that gimp can do many more stuff than photoshop, and yet, it also can integrate with some of photoshop's functions. cool huh? and one and foremost, GIMP is free!

2. I have to manage my own life, with my own hand, and of course the things that i've done is troublesome to my parents [ i think so].  

• I dont have any licence to drive a car nor ride a motorcylce freely on the road, so my dearest dad have to drive for me to travel to wherever heck i want to. 
• I dont have money, so my dearest parent have to support me. 
• I hate to be around people, hate to do groceries, so again...whenever i need stuff ( there's not much of it actually, just stuff like biscuits, candies...), i will attach my own list to their list, whenever they do the shopping! ( whenever i think about it, i realise i'm really a troublesome daughter...too bad~)

3. I'm on holiday! yeay~ [special holiday of course! The truth is - i went back to my grandparents' home...bah~!]

4. I, mysteriously found myself in kitchen, surrounding by flour, cooking chocolate, butter, and somewhere around, there are onion, lettuce, mayonaise, and any other green stuff, and i dumbfounded that, i dont know what i'm doing there. [geez, i'm suck at these stuff]

5. Running away from someone who is annoying to be  with. but ironically i miss her/him. It just that i don't feel like talking.

Easier way to lead ur life?

"it's easier to be pessimistic and blame everything for anything that doesn't go your way.
it's easier to just lose hope and let go.
it's easier not to put effort into anything.
it's eaiser to be free and let everything slip.
it's easier not to care about a damn single thing.
it's easier to lose hope.


it's just easier that way.

isn't it? "

Is it so?
Personally,I think that is a foolish statement.
Eventough, I believe, most of us do think that way. Me too.
But that's only for a moment, after allowing that thought goes in my mind, i just let it pass.
I nvr have serious thought on that statement.

Frankly, if I really want my life to be THAT easy, would I ever find statisfication that I desire so much in my life?
I believe, without hardship, problems, life would be bored like hell and no excitement!
Leading life like that is meaningless, needless to say.
I enjoy feeling scared, troubled, even stress!
As , when I able to find ways to escape from the problems...
I feel very good about myself!
and soon afterthat, I start longing for troubles and problems...
But, i still have limits though.
That's when that foolish statement came to my head.
As i mention earlier, i just let it pass for a moment though.
As I want to enjoy the excitement being in trouble anyway~

I just hope that, ppl are not really gives up on their hopes to stay alive.
As i believe, as long as u alive in this world, there still hope.

if u feel alone, believe me, ur selfish-only thinking about ur self.
u dont even think about other ppl who cares bout u, which u dont realise it.
evn if ur alone, there still actually cares-God.
As why He evn bother to create u in the first place, if He wants u to live ur lives!
if u feel ur a failure, so what?
it's not like u lose ur life right? u still alive.
and u had to find ur ways to find find a new success, new way, ur way!
make it a new counterattack!
I got carried away though.
Well, it just that i feel kind of annoyed of ppl who tend to give up evn wthout trying.
it makes me sad... though.

I, as a muslim, knows well.
That there is always someone watching over me, cares for me.
Always be for me ( cruel me, who sometimes forget about him...)
and whenever I had that foolish thought,
i always pray to god.
Hope that he lead me to roght path, which
sometimes I mistaken it as bad for me, but in fact is not,
as only He knows the best for me.
He is my God.
And muslims, should know better, that
we live only for Him,
no matter what we do,
no matter what kiind of hardship u face through,
Allah is the one we should live our life for.
and
only for him
we depends on...

Social Network: My Space, Facebook, Friendster, etc...

lately(or should i mention, eversince the IB result was announced?), there are some of my blogger friends and friends that asked me.

" do u have any social networking account? u know...my space, friendster, facebook....and sorts"

heck of course i know. I'm ITGS student, i know what the h**l of social networking.
instead, i'm telling those people

" i delete my account already,it had been months now, since the IRP program starting around april"

some of those people stare me blankly, some laugh, ( probably they already seen my page even before i delete them, so they know it's quite impossible if i'm saying that i delete those account, reasoning how interactive my page was).

But also, some people bother to know why I delete those account (why bother? my choice right?), and some even dont even bother to ask why I delete those ( heck! they only asked me bout it so that they can 'expanding' their network by 'add' me as their 'friend'! Damn! like I care! - well I do care in a way)

ok, for those who asked why, let me tell u-clearly and frankly, what those social network means to me.
it means nothing, wasting my time, nurturing so-called 'popular' attitude...

I know, these site exist to keep friends in touch ( of course, that's why these type of site exist and keep expanding), letting others keep updated about our self. ( ppl can choose what info to be updated bout) and getting new friends. Instead, above all the reasons, i find myself lost in the network.
i dont know why, but i don't put up info so much in my page (like usually people do. Well, I do feel some kind of inferior?) and I was sucker at keeping updating my own profile.

"so u dont have these accounts, how u manage to keep update with ur friends?"

"i'm using IM(currently using ym), and all my friends have my ym ( i suppose). so, if they want to know the very updated info about me, they can directly asking me through ym, that's clear, and i know who i'm releasing my personal info to, more like i feeling secured this way actually"

They asked me

" so, other people, outside of ur friends circle, know nothing bout u? i mean, this is WWW and we are now in globalization era!"

Heck, why i need to use social network just to say 'hello! i am globalizing!'

daa~. i have my way to say that i'm globalist! then, why these blog exist in the first place??? also, not only i have this blog, i have several sites, and one of them is at flickr! (why am I so proud over this thing? o yeah, i'm still obsessed with Flickr, since i just register at it days ago)

arggh~these people, only know to condem other people, who did not go 'along with their flow'. laughing at people just because I'm different.
heck, i'm the one who laughing at u people! because ur all the same! hahaha!!! ( laughing like a freak moron~)

Gee, why i'm get carried away over such lil thing?
answer: because i got worn out being asking the same question every now and then!

ahaha~
i REAAAALLLLYYY messing up myself...( that's not a good thing, i suppose. blatantly i feel despair, sorrow...oh dear...)

p/s: this entri somehow using numbers of words-that-should-not-be-posted.

the waiting is over...

Finally! the IB exam result is out...and...I'm bit surprised with the result...
Unexpectedly PLEASANT!!! YEAY~!!!
but...only to certain extend...as for some subjects, I know where I did wrong...
but I'm totally done!!!
YEAY~!!!
Celebrate? hurm...
i dont know, as my result may seem successful to some people, but, personally, I dont think so. Anyway, I'll just celebrate it, for my hardwork over 2 years.
whew~. I'm relieve...i'm done in this stage.
I got another stage awaiting for me this September...

Modern Life?

when picture depict reality.
i guess, this pictures really says what I've been doing up to now.
somehow, i kind of feel irritated, proud (?), and sort of others feeling, until I feel nothing watching this picture...

Attitude is Everything.

I would like to share this story to you guys. I kind of like this story actually. Keep on reading!

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line : It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business.

We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.

The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

Reality?

hahaha!
really... talking about my reality...
[i found this when i'm 'busy' stumbling.
honestly, for me...people who are 'stumbling', don't know what they are doing.
i'm talking about me here...]