when someone you love is far from your sight, what would you do?

this is my grandpa.
I love my grandpa.

when i was lil gal, whenever my gramps come visit to my house, he would bring his youngest daughter and I to have a walk around my town, by feet.
it is more enjoyable to walk on feet on that time, he said.
we also seldom get lost in my own town, but it's fun to lost in my own place. ( well, it's me the tour guide, the 5 year old me, what do u expect?)

how many years it take, to be able to notice that my grandpa is changing.
since i studied in boarding school for more than 4 years, i rarely went to village to meet my gramps.
lets see, in a year, mybe 4-5 times? then, until last year i was informed, that my grandpa actually suffered from Alzheimer.

although it's still on early stage, but for me, it's like the end for me.
he suffer from loss of memory ( he says my house is somewhat different from the last time he came to our house, but the truth is, my house had done nothing to it's structure, at the very least, what's changing is the wall's colour) ,unable to control his muscle on his own accord, have poor insights ( he did suffer from cataracts, but, his insights indeed poor, like, unable to distinguish distance) ,personality changes ( he is way too quiet than he used to be, but he did talk if he need to).

but, lucky me, he still remember me ( maybe, my style of clothes, the way i talk and my hairstyle still the same, so he recognise me).
and he also seems to know that i will be away for 6 years. but on recent occasion ( my aunt's wed),he takes time to recognise that the beau(?) in front of him is me, his grandaughter. 
what will happen in next 6 years???
i dont know.
but, what did i know, the last stage for alzheimer patient is, bedridden, uncomprehending and mute.
i would say i'm quite afraid though, thinking the way it's coming.

the last 2 days, my gramps visit us. today, my aunt will take them home as my aunt just return from their honeymoon in tioman island. ( hey, my place is quite near with tioman island, mind to come over?)
and now my grandpa is sleeping peacefully in the bedroom like he usually do. and my mum and my mum's mum ( basically it's my grandma) are busy at the kitchen preparing lunch, while busy gossiping.
And I, busy stumbling and posting for the blog, while at the same time busy babysitting for my 8 yr old sis who is having fever ( yeah, like hell i would like to babysitting for her! )

one thing i realised, when i know my gramps having this disease, is i could no longer able to meet his eye anymore. why?
it must hurt him knowing how my attitude towards him.
it hurts me too.

Easier way to lead ur life?

"it's easier to be pessimistic and blame everything for anything that doesn't go your way.
it's easier to just lose hope and let go.
it's easier not to put effort into anything.
it's eaiser to be free and let everything slip.
it's easier not to care about a damn single thing.
it's easier to lose hope.


it's just easier that way.

isn't it? "

Is it so?
Personally,I think that is a foolish statement.
Eventough, I believe, most of us do think that way. Me too.
But that's only for a moment, after allowing that thought goes in my mind, i just let it pass.
I nvr have serious thought on that statement.

Frankly, if I really want my life to be THAT easy, would I ever find statisfication that I desire so much in my life?
I believe, without hardship, problems, life would be bored like hell and no excitement!
Leading life like that is meaningless, needless to say.
I enjoy feeling scared, troubled, even stress!
As , when I able to find ways to escape from the problems...
I feel very good about myself!
and soon afterthat, I start longing for troubles and problems...
But, i still have limits though.
That's when that foolish statement came to my head.
As i mention earlier, i just let it pass for a moment though.
As I want to enjoy the excitement being in trouble anyway~

I just hope that, ppl are not really gives up on their hopes to stay alive.
As i believe, as long as u alive in this world, there still hope.

if u feel alone, believe me, ur selfish-only thinking about ur self.
u dont even think about other ppl who cares bout u, which u dont realise it.
evn if ur alone, there still actually cares-God.
As why He evn bother to create u in the first place, if He wants u to live ur lives!
if u feel ur a failure, so what?
it's not like u lose ur life right? u still alive.
and u had to find ur ways to find find a new success, new way, ur way!
make it a new counterattack!
I got carried away though.
Well, it just that i feel kind of annoyed of ppl who tend to give up evn wthout trying.
it makes me sad... though.

I, as a muslim, knows well.
That there is always someone watching over me, cares for me.
Always be for me ( cruel me, who sometimes forget about him...)
and whenever I had that foolish thought,
i always pray to god.
Hope that he lead me to roght path, which
sometimes I mistaken it as bad for me, but in fact is not,
as only He knows the best for me.
He is my God.
And muslims, should know better, that
we live only for Him,
no matter what we do,
no matter what kiind of hardship u face through,
Allah is the one we should live our life for.
and
only for him
we depends on...

waiting in vain

from that day on, i still keep on waiting.
waiting for something that is hopeless.
bah!
~~~

BAD DAY

Sorry, I dont mean to SHOUT. But thats the truth. I can't do anything today [except writing blog(?)], as I got cought by flu! Yeah, thanks to it, i able to sleep more than I usually do. but the worse thing is...I have to settle all my to-do-list by today!
Can I delay my to-do list? no way! It's regarding my future!

Generally, it's about stuff to be done for my placement at university. I have to get my passport picture done, [ 10 piece, and guess what? the requirement of the 'accepted' picture ARE: the background MUST be white, 3.5x4.5 , and it MUST be from head to the neck-which I have to ask my photoshop person to edit all those thing for me, what a bothersome]. And other stuff I already settle it. Thank God, with this kind of energy that i had, I able to finish up everything-of course aside from the passport pictures.

Ok then, i think, I had to stop here, as my head start to spinning around...and around...and around...